That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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