At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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