Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
