Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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