we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
