By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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