He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
