I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
