remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
