Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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