If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Green mimosas i think yes
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
