She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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