I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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