So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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