This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
