Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
