Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
