oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
barbara walters just said penis...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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