halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
