and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
