I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
