in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
