It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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