So drunk its hurt
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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