I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
