Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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