I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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