So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
