I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I want her autograph on my taint
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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