I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just fell off a train. Bad.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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