sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
