this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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