woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
