please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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