At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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