I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
