Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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