she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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