i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
