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I wish they made helmets for livers.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What drink are we having for lunch?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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