Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
