i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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