you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
