His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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