If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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