Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
