I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
