We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
