I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
