remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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